After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
