2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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