i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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