we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
