Ambien. No doubt about it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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