The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
