you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
