You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
