shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
