I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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