Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
