I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
