She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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