that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
