Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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