I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
