i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
