Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
