her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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