My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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