I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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