her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
