Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
