After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
