do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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