as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
