Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize