in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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