I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
