Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
