went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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