you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
