this just has baby written all over it
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
