the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
