wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
