This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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