meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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