sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
