Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
