win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
