I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well I just put wine in my tea
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
