we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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