Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He passed out mid-signature
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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