Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
