hotel room ftw
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
