Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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