Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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