You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
