I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Green mimosas i think yes
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
