the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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