u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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