I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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