just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
