my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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