Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
