where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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