I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
