It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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