Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
