I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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