everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The adults are the big ones right?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
